Children Need to Say “Goodbye” Too

At AISM, like most international schools,  families come and go.. To help with the transition, the Counselor provides opportunities, resources and strategies for our leavers to process their feelings about saying “goodbye” and cope with the changes.  If we aren’t the ones leaving, it’s easy to overlook the stayers and it's important that we focus on the whole community!

There are two parts of a “goodbye” – the person who is leaving and the person who is staying behind.

Even though we stay behind, we also need to say “goodbye” to our friends who are leaving and deal with our own feelings. This is true for children and young people of all ages, including our youngest ELC learners. 

Preparing to Say Goodbye
It is harder to be prepared when you’re not aware that your child’s friend is leaving. If you are aware, there are a few things you can do.

• Talk to your child – listen not only to the words, but the feelings behind the words.
• Try to plan a time for “goodbye”, like a last play date. Make sure your child knows that this is “goodbye”.
• Your child may still feel sad. Although you cannot take away the sadness, you can be there for comfort.
• Talk about the “why” – helps children understand why “goodbyes” are necessary.
• If your child is the one leaving:
  • Involve them in the planning and discussions where appropriate.
  • Find out who they want to say “goodbye” to.

“I can endure any ‘how’ if I have a ‘why’.” – Nietzsche

The Transition Stage
Although this is more pertinent to the family that is leaving, there are some elements that can apply to the family that stays behind.

1. Involvement to Leaving stages:
   • Face approaching losses squarely, while still looking forward with hope ensuring proper closure is reached, to allow the following settling in period to go ahead smoothly.
2. Build a RAFT:
   • Reconciliation – forgive, be forgiven, forget
   • Affirmation – tell people you enjoyed working with them/that you value their friendship/send a note to neighbours/let people know you respect them and don’t leave them lightly.
   • Farewells – to people, places, pets, possessions. Schedule these over some time before leaving. Some third culture kids might be losing their whole world in next week’s plane ride.
   • Think destination – plan and prepare. Work out sources of support ahead of need.
3. Maintaining stability through the transition stage:
   • Sacred objects or clothing that retains part of their life experience.
   • Connecting with other global nomads to share experiences and affirm the third culture kid way of life.
   • Make a personal pact not to pack away feelings.
4. Mourning the losses:
   • Loss always produces grief and it will come out one way or another, whether intentionally or not. Mourning is the conscious acknowledgement of loss. So in finding little rituals and processes to mourn our loss, we enable ourselves to move on faster.
5. Entering right:
   • The chaotic transition stage can last days or weeks.
   • The following entry stage will be smoother and more positive the more planning ahead has taken place.
6. Choosing and using mentors:
   • A mentor can become the bridge between worlds. Finding a positive one is important.
   • Mentors help with social entry, acclimatization, feeling accepted, motivation to settle in this new place, amongst other aspects.
   • Some level of screening of mentors needs to happen carefully and privately
7. Re-involvement:
   • In all transitions we gain as well as lose.
8. A few words about going ‘home’:
   • More difficult because they are expected to act/be like others there.
   • New classmates are not yet their peers.
   • Trying to fit in and not being different (rejection of other identities)
   • Being made the center of attention.
   • Help them to maintain a fallback identity of being a third culture kid.
   • Where is home? Home is always a sentence.

References
 Families in Global Transition. (2020, March 25). A RAFT for Transitioning through Uncertainty and Disruption. Www.figt.org. https://www.figt.org/blog/8857196

Adapted from: Children Need to Say “Goodbye” Too. (2016, June 28). Nurture for the Future. 
https://nurtureforthefuture.wordpress.com/2016/06/28/saying-goodbye/

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